Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Tender Tuesdays: Thoughts on .. weaning

Last night Mia refused to nurse for the very.first.time.ever...! She has always been an enthusiastic nurser and has never turned it down even once in her entire life. I use a nipple shield and last night when I got home from work she decided she would rather bite it off with her teeth than nurse and reconnect with Mommy. She was giggling away and so proud of herself for her little 'trick' and it was truly an adorable moment but I also found myself tearing up. I tried again 5 minutes later and she still squirmed away instead.

My husband must have thought I was kookoo crazy for getting so emotional but I did!
It hurts!
I don't want it to end!

I have loved every.single.second of our breastfeeding relationship and I know it will be coming to an end oh-so-very-soon. I'm only gone from her 2 days a week but those 2 days I am only pumping 4oz. I know she is getting very little at home too. She is wolfing down all kinds of solid food now and drinking some coconut milk and diluted apple juice as well. She is so close to a year that I don't see a need to supplement with any kind of formula. I know it sounds silly but I feel like I have come so far and I feel like it would be "giving up" to give her even an ounce of formula. (Not to mention her dairy allergy. We don't even know if she would have an anaphylactic shock to it and need her Epi-Pen.)

I just hope we can make it to her first birthday only a few short weeks away.

I will have to remember to book a breastfeeding photoshoot before the time passes and it is too late.

I had to go on Clomid to conceive Mia so I can't say for certain if I will be able to have more children. I am pretty confident that I will be able to but it still crosses my mind.

So I often gaze down at her and wonder how many more times we will have like this together! When it's the last time - will I know..? Will she just one day refuse? Will I decide it is the last time? Do I *want* to know it's the last time? I am genuinely curious what other mom's experiences with weaning have been like! I would love to keep going as long as we can but I don't think my supply is going to keep up much longer. I don't know how much time I have left to enjoy this special connection with her.

She was a very alert baby from the very beginning. And at only a few weeks old my husband and I would joke about what I found out was referred to as the "Scorpio Stare" - She would lay there drinking and gaze up at me - locking eyes with me and staring searchingly straight into my soul - never once looking away during the entire 30 minutes. If I looked away and glanced back down there she would be - waiting for me to look back.

Nowadays breastfeeding is pretty much the only time I get to cuddle with her anymore - even though she is still not crawling or walking (due to her prior health issues she is developmentally delayed) she is so ACTIVE..! She is such a curious and squirmy baby and if you try to "hold her back" in any way shape or form - oh boy she will let you know all about it! She is so strong-willed and stubborn already and I love that. In the future it will help her get to where she wants to go in life.

But right now I just wish I could just get a few more moments of sleepy baby hugs! A few more minutes of her snoozing on my chest! A few more hours of her cradled in the sling & curled up against me! A few more nights of co-sleeping closeness! She is too independent for any of that now..

So I am enjoying these last few nursing "baby" snuggles as she transitions into a strong-willed toddler, a spirited child, probably a rebellious teen and then finally a confident and independent adult.

Someday I will look back and I won't be able to believe that I ever once cradled her in my arms ..

sprawled out across my lap ..

lazily kicking her legs ..

twirling my hair ..

reaching up for my glasses and then tossing them aside ..

staring into my eyes ..

oh and the smiles - the nursing baby smiles and giggles - oh my how I will miss these times.

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