My Precious Baby Girl:
I literally cannot believe that you are almost 5 months old! It can’t be! I feel so bad for the things that I haven’t done yet – like taking you to Mommy & Me yoga, or to a Gymboree class. I especially feel bad that I never got any newborn photos done other than the hospital photo shoot. But I guess it doesn’t mean I love you any less – it means I am so busy holding you, feeding you, playing with you and loving you that I didn’t have any time to worry about things like that! Just like other chores & errands & cleaning the house gets pushed to the side because you are more important!
I hope someday you will know how much I love you and how much I sacrificed for you. Just ask your Daddy how obsessed I became with your eczema. How badly I wanted to heal you – how I would look at your skin and cry. How I religiously kept your hands covered with little socks so that you wouldn’t scratch yourself – I can say with pride the only scratches you got were under Daddy’s or Grandma’s supervision! I watch you like a hawk because you will take out your little hands and claw at your face until you bleed. Just ask Daddy how fiercely I defended my choice to keep breastfeeding you even though everyone – even Daddy – tried to suggest that maybe formula would be better for you (It wouldn’t be – you are too delicate and your eczema is a sign of that!) Just ask everyone how for 2 straight weeks I ate nothing but fruits & veggies & rice cereal & rice bread even though I was starving and wanted to eat real food so badly but I didn’t want to hurt you. Just ask how I spent nearly every waking minute with my nose in the computer or phone or iPod reading about how to cure your eczema. You still have eczema. You still try to scratch your skin. You still have a red splotchy face. But I have to stop obsessing about it. I’m not going to stop trying to heal you – EVER. I promised that to you and I mean it. But I have to stop obsessing because I am missing your entire babyhood by worrying about it. Days go by with me stressing out about it and suddenly you have gone form 4 months to 5 months. I want to enjoy you and cherish every moment with you. So no more. I will be present with you and play with you and watch you giggle and discover the world around you – despite your eczema and blotchy face. I will give you probiotics & vitamins daily and pray that I can strengthen your body from the inside out. If it continues I will save up money and take you to a naturopath – because the doctor’s don’t always know – and you have to question EVERYTHING in this life – don’t wait for others to solve things for you because they won’t.
If there was one thing your Mommy would like to show you it’s this. Well other things as well - but this is a major one with me! Life is what you make it and whatever you want to do – you can do – just do it. Don’t ever just blindly accept anyone’s recommendations – follow your gut. The allergist said that you weren’t allergic to potatoes and it was rare but I insisted he do the test for potatoes and I was right. The doctors say to vaccinate but you need to question that. You need to research things for yourself. I know that you are much too delicate to handle vaccinations. Most kids are too delicate to handle them but some more than others. Unfortunately you are one half of Mommy’s genes and we need to be careful. I don’t say this to scare you but to remind you – to ALWAYS take care of yourself. This battle with your eczema has taught me that I need to take care of myself more – and you. I need to eat better, take more vitamins, take supplements, and pay attention to the signs that my body gives me – such as being too tired no matter how much sleep I get. I hope as you get older that you will always take care of yourself as well.
I don’t think I will be one of those moms that will NEVER allow cake or ice cream or cookies – but I will be the Mom who packs healthy snacks & lunches – and makes you take a daily vitamin – and makes you spend time in the sun – and makes sure that you never use toxic products or chemicals in or on your body. I will be the Mom who questions the status quo – I will be the Mom who co-sleeps, who doesn’t vaccinate, who wears you sometimes when we go out (you don’t always like it), who pays attention to you, who doesn’t stick you in a crib to CIO, who doesn’t slather you in Johnson's & Johnson's, who doesn’t pump you full of medicine when it’s not necessary, who doesn’t dump you off at daycare, who doesn’t only think about parenting and not about love or friendship. I will be the Mom who makes sure we have fun together – walks in the park, trips to the zoo, music classes together, making art projects at home, cooking together, learning things, reading stories every night. I promise that every day of your childhood will be a wonderful & fun day filled with love, laughter, and smiles.
Things may not always go perfectly and your skin may never be clear but I will try my best to fill your life with joy and love and happiness and wonder. And no matter what arises, I will be your Mom – a very special Mom – because you are a very special child – my beautiful girl – my heart – my Mia! :) I just heard the car meaning that Daddy just brought you home from your visit at Grandma’s and I can’t wait to get you in my arms again and snuggle with my little love bug :) cutie pie! I love you forever little mamas.